more than a month

its been more than a month

since my last post

alot of fucked up nights
to dull the pain

the pain of life
of not feeling wanted
not being good enough

the queer lifestyle is not
what i am

i hate it

i hate not

having the willpower
to be

thin

thats it

thin and cute and gay

that is the culture that I am a part of

i fucking hate it
i am not thin

i wont ever be thin

i wont ever be "cute"

i hate that

i hate that i will never be accepted by my community
even the old ones
they ignore me
all of them

why

why am i always the one that
is ignored and forgotten

am i imaginging it all

i dont think so

maybe it is this profession

maybe if i left theatre it would be

different

somehow

i wish

** 4 years later: some insecurities like these are still there, but I am in a much better place now in 2009 than I was when I wrote this post. Thankfully. **

celebrity

i feel so bad

for celebrities

i mean they asked for this but still

the paparazzi
the fans
the constant berating in the public eye

i dont ever want that
i dont want that for any of my friends

britney being stalked
by these trash hounds

for what
a picture
a snapshot
a moment in the life of (fill in celebrity here)

i dont know how they all deal with it
i couldnt
i know that

diana DEAD
because of paparazzi

who is next
who will go too soon

avoiding having thier picture taken for some cover
of some magazine

that everyone reads

but

hopefully

no one believes

bless you all
you need it