a new routine and other random thoughts

well. i have settled back into home, been doing some work on the apt, fixing our LR chandelier, picking out paint colors, unpacking, rounding up all the boxes I sent from Minneapolis so I didn't have to carry them in my luggage...ahh touring. I love it and miss it. I also love being home, and the importance of having a home to come back to. When I went out with Wicked, I saw it as escaping from NY to solve all of my problems. But I was extremely off base. You may leave behind some problems when you bolt like I did, but you also develop new ones. It is how you handle the problems that counts. I know this now. I have learned from the mistakes and problems I have faced in the past. Now what?

I am still in the merch world. I do like it. I think I am good at it. And it provides a paycheck that pays the rent/expenses and health insurance. I am thinking about getting a job as a dog walker. I want to do something that makes me happy. I am never happier than when I see a dog on the street. Or when I get to play with my parents dog when I go home. So why not get paid to play with the pooches? I have the address for a place to apply that has PT/FT weekend etc options starting around $200 a week. I'd rather be out enjoying the city walking dogs than sitting at a desk answering phones for $15/hr.

I am still considering going back to acting/head shots. I'd like to, but I am extremely out of practice. I am working on a few monologues, trying to get some rep to show prospective acting teachers. I feel like the more i figure out about myself, the more i see the mistakes I made in college when it came to performing/auditioning etc. I miss the process.

My comp is still sickly. Don't really have the $ to get it fixed. It generally works to use the Internet and photos. But anything requiring musical sounds doesn't work so well. And it takes FOREVER to boot up and shut down. I am thinking of getting a MacBook. I think its time for the mac switch.

If you are an actor and have cable you check out the show 'Theatre Biz' on Ovation (Ch 83 on Time Warner-NYC). It is about a group of conservatory kids in London's version of ADDA/AMDA, going out after their Showcases to get a job. Lots of audition footage and interviews with people like Judy Dench and Amanda Holden (UK Millie) etc. Really great show.

I'm Dreaming of NYC

In 6 hours I head to the Airport to fly back to NYC after 6 weeks here in Minnesota.

I have had a wonderful time here working on Irving Berlin's White Christmas. I have met some great people, made some great friends and colleagues. But I am ready to come home for a bit. Even if I go back out on the road in a few weeks or months, I am ready to be in my apartment and see my roommate and go up to CT for our belated family Christmas.

The weather is just about to turn here and i have a feeling it is gonna turn colder in NY when I get back. But after the -1 degree weather we had a few weeks ago here, i can handle pretty much anything at this point.

My comp is having a few issues. I need to have it checked out when I get back to NYC. So it may be a little while before I post again.

But, when I do post again, I will be in NYC. OH YEA.

Bill O-Asshole

FULL DISCLOSURE: I am a very liberal gay man. Very left wing. Very anti-Republican.

I have never much cared for Bill O'Reilly, or Fox News for that matter. After watching a bit of tonight's episode of his "opinion" hour 'The Factor'...because this shit is NOT a news program.. I have an even greater hatred for him. He thinks he comes across as intellectual and smart by bullying people with his own opinion and shooting down any thought or idea that is even remotely different from his own. It makes me sick that people watch this show and think that this is the actual news. That his opinions are what they should believe in and anyone else's are wrong.

On the topic of the Gay Marriage Ban Amendment that Massachusetts wants to put on the Ballot in 2008 to reverse the allowing of gays and lesbians to marry in Massachusetts, He likened the rights of Gay Marriage to the rights of Polygamists, stating that it is not a Human Rights issue at all, it is an issue of the gays only wanting to get "their way" and not take on any of the responsibility that by opening up the full rights of marriage to gays and lesbians it would lead to polygamists to call for the same rights.

His argument has a few holes in it. Gays and Lesbians are not keeping multiple partners or wanting to be married to 3 or 4 different people at one time. All we want is the same government protection that heterosexual couples are awarded. Plain and simple. We want the tax benefits that married heterosexual couples get. The same rights of adoption and child raising. The same post-death, next of kin rights that our heterosexual brothers and sisters have.
As the pro-marriage guest said.. Gay rights and marriage are Equal Human Rights issues. We are a group of minorities being persecuted and treated unfairly by the majority, and having the same rights as the majority. He argues that since laws that afford equal rights to other 'minorities' have not included gays and lesbians up until now that there is not reason gays and lesbians should be awarded the same human rights as heterosexuals.

I am so fucking tired of this gay vs. straight argument. I believe that if you are against Gay Marriage then you are Homophobic. You believe that being gay is a choice and that gays and lesbians could live a heterosexual lifestyle if they chose to. This is not the case. I could never live a fully realized heterosexual lifestyle. I am not sexually attracted to women. I never have been nor will I ever be. I am a gay man. I have a sexual and emotional and physical attraction to other men. Why does that one extremely small aspect of my personality make me inferior to my heterosexual counterpoints?

What is the last line of the plege of allegiance? "Freedom and Justice for all...?" Except Gays and Lesbians apparently.

insomnia or productivity?

i have had a relatively productive night.

i updated my blog layout (colors, fonts, name, links...), trying to make it something i will look forward to utilizing and writing in (helping so far)...

i updated my myspace layout (still a tribute to my METS, a little less superfan now tho...) and i moved some of the videos around also, including adding labels so people know what they are about to watch.



i drank tonight for the first time since my Drunkie McWasted night a few weeks ago. i now, of course, have a headache from it.

i think i may need to do a major detox when i get back to nyc after going to see christina in wicked. clean all the crap out of my system and start from scratch

i now leave you with me..at 5:15 AM...



-g'night

H a p p y 2 0 0 7.

It is tough for me sometimes, connecting with other people, especially other gay men.

Tonight I had a fun time.

A wonderful dinner provided by the Ordway at the M&S Grill in Minneapolis with Ryan and the cast/crew/musicians of White Christmas. Steak, Mashed Potatoes, Salad, Veggies, Chocolate Cake. Yum. They were so appalled by how we were treated on Christmas Day they offered to throw us this dinner to show their gratitude for our hard work and dedication this holiday season. A beautiful gesture.

Here are some pics of the night..

Matthew with his Mashtini...


Barb and I. We are sooo Hot.


The 3 queens of New Years.. Ryan, Me and Matthew


Our personal String Quartet...members of the White Xmas Orchestra who volunteered their time to play for our dinner. AMAZING Musicians!


After dinner I went to see Dreamgirls with Ryan and Matthew....AGAIN! It was soooo much MORE enjoyable the second time. I didn't mind the faults I had with it after the first viewing last week. The audience was also a bit more respectful of the musical experience, which helped quite a bit...except fot he people at the other end of our row who answered their cell during the movie and continued to talk about how they didn't understand why the characters were calling each other 'Brotha' and "Sista'...Ahh the Twin Cities..

After the flick we went to Saloon and Bar 19, which were also fun. A REALLY drunk guy was hitting on me. It is always nice to get the attention, as it doesn't happen all that often... I only wish it wasn't always from the Drunkie McHalitosis men. Ah well. 'Someday my prince will come...'

It was also great getting to know Matthew better. We had chatted a few times at the show and at Christmas dinner. He seems to be such a good and kind hearted soul. A friend I am glad I made here in St. Paul and one I hope to keep in touch with back in NYC...You can see his blog on the right side of my page. He is uber talented and makes a Gorgeous Drag Queen.

It is nights like tonight that make me hopeful for the upcoming year, being able to open my life up to other people. Let others in. Trust in the friendships that I have and not second guess or doubt them as I have tended to do in the past.

Time goes by...So Slowly

Thanks Madge for the header.


Alot has changed since my last post.

Alot of anger has been resolved and processed.

I am actively trying to be a better person every day.

There are anger issues I have admitted to. Alot of resentment and hatred that I have harbored for myself over the past 3 years has begun to be lifted.

Now, whenever I feel that anger creep in, I try and remind myself how lucky and fortunate I am.

I have a family that loves me no matter what I do or who I am.

I have some of the best friends a person could dream of.

I am healthy.

I have a roof over my head, clothes to keep me warm, and food to keep me nourished.

There is so much in my life to be grateful and thankful for. I don't know how I never saw it before.

I am going to attempt to keep this blog up. I say that all the time. But I am also going to try and build a web site for myself. With this blog as a cornerstone of that website, i hope to advance myself in the theatrical community and achive the goals I have set for myself in the New Year that awaits us all.

a new time

it has been 2 months since my last day of employment. this has been a hellish time in my life. i didn't know life could get this fucked up in such a shot amount of time. part of me wants to go back to march and april, when i was so :unhappy: and smack myself for not really enjoying and respecting the opportunity i was given. part of me couldnt imagine one more day there working on that show as the company changed around me. part of me wants to go back to San Fran and have stayed at the Grosvenor or the Geary Court Suites. I don't know what it is that has brought me down, but it is powerful and scary. part of me wants to just go right back on tour now, and pretend as if nothing has happened and i had been the wonderful, reliable team playing merch manager i once was. but that is not possible. i must now start anew, with a new company, a new price range, a new place to live, a new 2nd job, new friends. its a new time.

more than a month

its been more than a month

since my last post

alot of fucked up nights
to dull the pain

the pain of life
of not feeling wanted
not being good enough

the queer lifestyle is not
what i am

i hate it

i hate not

having the willpower
to be

thin

thats it

thin and cute and gay

that is the culture that I am a part of

i fucking hate it
i am not thin

i wont ever be thin

i wont ever be "cute"

i hate that

i hate that i will never be accepted by my community
even the old ones
they ignore me
all of them

why

why am i always the one that
is ignored and forgotten

am i imaginging it all

i dont think so

maybe it is this profession

maybe if i left theatre it would be

different

somehow

i wish

** 4 years later: some insecurities like these are still there, but I am in a much better place now in 2009 than I was when I wrote this post. Thankfully. **

celebrity

i feel so bad

for celebrities

i mean they asked for this but still

the paparazzi
the fans
the constant berating in the public eye

i dont ever want that
i dont want that for any of my friends

britney being stalked
by these trash hounds

for what
a picture
a snapshot
a moment in the life of (fill in celebrity here)

i dont know how they all deal with it
i couldnt
i know that

diana DEAD
because of paparazzi

who is next
who will go too soon

avoiding having thier picture taken for some cover
of some magazine

that everyone reads

but

hopefully

no one believes

bless you all
you need it

the familiarity is frightening

strange troll-like

little man, i mean

little

but he is honest

he came to find me

to repay me for my hospitality

but that
smell
holy shit

and was in my bed
vomit

his eyes when he
talks
to you

beady
detached
empty
alone

familiar

EDIT: 1/1/07

234

234 todays bedtime
interesting
fascinating

annoying

why

i havent a clue

truthfully

ambassador to peace

an ambassador to peace

world peace to me is the lack of persecution of all men not just the straight ones

as long as the church preaches against homos there will never be world peace

anyone who believes differently is a fool

i am sure he helped a lot of people

but he hurt mine

that i can not forgive

even in death

rip...dont count on it

drip

drip goes my
nose

all day long

drip

drip

drip

drip

airborne predator
strike again

will i ever be free
of allergy

daylight savings time

daylight save this
one less hour in the day
that everyone in the country
(ne the world) recognizes and/or observes

how did it happen
whose idea was it
how did they get
almost everyone
to observe it

i hope they arent
still around
who knows
what they could
think of next

this is my first post
in my
new blog i am a terrible
typist
especially in the
dark

my head is spinning
i cant focus on
much anymore

i just dont really care

i am making
good money
easy easy
work

do i have the strength
to complete this journey
with him
there
always there

i hope love is easier than
this
if not
i
am
doomed

3 but really 4

grrr
i hate you
daylight
saving
time